Why we fall in and out of love

As we go through life, companionship and love are extremely important to give us a reason to keep going. While love is usually painted as a beautiful, magical experience (which it can be), falling out of it can truly make it seem like nothing is going right.

The TV hit series Brooklyn Nine-Nine touches on all sorts of love across its six seasons: Jake and Amy’s enemies-to-friends-to-lovers story, Gina and Charles’ casual relationship, Captain Holt and Kevin’s stoic but somehow very loving marriage. While it is a series set in a police station in Brooklyn, it shares very human stories with a splash of comedy. Today, let’s focus on the relationship between Rosa and Marcus, specifically in S3E6 Into the Woods when Rosa decides that things aren’t working out between them.

Image credit: Brooklyn Nine-Nine Wiki

When we get into a romantic relationship, none of us can ever be sure that they are “the one”. It is always a gamble and a choice that we are making which sometimes doesn’t always go how you want it to. Such is the case between Rosa, a typically badass, no-nonsense cop who fell in love with Marcus, a guy-next-door who wears his heart on his sleeve. At the start of the episode, Rosa reveals that she went out for Indian food (which she hates) with Marcus “out of pity”. Many times, even though the signs are pointing towards calling it quits, we tend to drag it out with good intentions. Maybe it just needs time? Maybe we can just shove it under the carpet and move on? However, when you find yourself making decisions to “make sure things don’t go bad” instead of coming from a willingness to make things work, it’s probably a good time to stop and evaluate what’s happening.

Finally, Rosa decides that she wants to break up and she chooses the worst way ever in history to do so: over text. Captain Holt, her emotionless partner-in-crime, consults Kevin (his husband) who in turn calls them “sociopaths”. While this was especially funny because of their impassive demeanour, many of us would indeed try to take the easy way out! No one instinctively wants to deal with someone crying and spilling out all their emotions over the breakup. Still, it is important to confront these situations not just out of respect for your relationship, but also for yourself.

Image credit: Brooklyn Nine-Nine Wiki

Growing up, many of us weren’t taught to recognise and understand our emotions because it was the most convenient way to keep working on what we need to do. Suck it up, move on and live another day. This eventually becomes an emotional burden that sticks with you and it will just tangle itself and complicate another person in the future, so why not unravel them now and allow yourself to feel? Going in with this open attitude might even help both sides find a way to work around what is not working in the relationship.

At the end of the episode, Rosa eventually comes to a realisation about her fear: “What if that was it, my one chance at love?”

It is a heart-wrenching thought and possibility, but the fact that Rosa finally comes to terms with it helps her to understand herself better, and possibly communicate with Marcus and others clearly as well. Oftentimes, the anger/frustration we feel towards the other is covering up our real feelings of fear and sadness. Let’s be kind to ourselves and the other person who has given you a part of themselves. It isn’t always going to be pretty, but at least you can learn what you need or don’t want in a relationship in the future. We tend to envision breakups and falling out of love as something extremely dramatic, with a big push and pull from either end which results in an explosion of emotions. It is important to realise that usually both sides need that recognition of their sadness and some comfort.

At the end of the day, as much as we want to be a badass like Rosa, we need to recognise that we are all humans with hearts that need taking care of – ignoring a large wound always results in future implications. Even after breaking up, never forget that there are all kinds of love surrounding you just like in the 99th precinct, and eventually you’ll find the Jake to your Amy (or your Pimento, if that’s your cup of tea).